Saturday, September 21, 2013

Fengshui, or How Earth, Wind, and Fire Dropped Water From the Group

Fengshui. Sounds like some rare tropical fungus found under the toenails. Apparently I have been battling fengshui most of my life. At least that’s what the Asians wearing those exquisite silk jackets on various shows on different “science” channels say. Heck, if “history” channels can run shows about gator hunters and pawn shops, I guess an ancient Chinese belief can be considered science. My first experience with it was seeing a huge mirror at the entrance of the largest Daoist temple in Chiayi, the Jiuhuashan Dizang Temple. I was told that it was placed there not for narcissistic parishioners, but to prevent bad spirits from strolling into the temple. One can still see blank, shiny CD’s taped or glued to the backs of cars to prevent any gremlins from throwing a spiritual wrench into the vehicle, while scooters sometimes highlight their “NO KISS” mud flaps with an old “Best of the 80’s” as well. Graves are placed near water, like rivers, wells or even rice paddies, to be conducive to the spiritual flow. I was told that prayer rooms in private residences with shrines to a god or ancestors cannot face west, evidently the unluckiest direction of them all. It’s understandable, considering how the “west” meant desert and warring steppes tribes that, at one point, went on to rule most of Asia, including the Chinese, in spite of the Great Wall.
The design of my house has an important fengshui element: there is no clear line of sight from the front door to the back. However, since the large window next to the entrance allows a perfect view down the hall to not only the back door beyond the kitchen, but also the bathroom window at the rear of the house, curtains hang at the doorways to both rooms to prevent (or, when considering the flimsiness of the partitions, simply hinder) any good energy flow from going out the back. Unfortunately, these barriers occasionally come crashing down on my head when they get hooked on class binders I may have or a button on my cuff. I assume that this occurs when there is a build-up of non-auspicious fengshui at the curtains, thus acting as a release valve for the negative energy, though it does bother me that it always seems to happen to me and not my wife.
A few years ago, all of the clocks in the house were pointed to the south, thus allowing the hands to proceed in a westerly direction, which was supposed to be good for the position of our home. Apparently that rule about the west being unlucky is conditional, as with most things with fengshui. When I pointed out how the hands would be going towards the east at the top of the hour, I was told that I didn’t understand the concept. I didn’t dare ask about the digital timepieces
I have always wanted to go to the house of the fengshui “expert” my wife occasionally visits to see if he has followed his own advice and captured the essence (and the riches) of fengshui. Somehow, I think I would be disappointed, but then I would probably be told that such “gifted” people dispense such knowledge not for personal gain, but for the benefit of others. I wonder how such an attitude would transform Wall Street.

So, when I noticed that my wife was putting the covers down on all the toilets in the school and the house for the last few weeks, I naturally assumed that it was another “recommendation” (“order”?) from her local “advisor”. The need to prevent water, that conduit of all things spiritual, from taking away our home’s fortune seemed obvious enough. I asked her about it and, to my surprise, her actions were based on science, albeit from the Internet. One of her friends had posted a video that showed how wet and wild whirlpool created by flushing toilets spews lots of unhealthy things into the atmosphere of one’s home. So, now, I not only have to pick up both the cover and the seat when I need to urinate (Sorry, but, while I still can, I refuse to sit to pee.), but now I have to put them back down when I’m done. From now on, I’m going to hold it until I go downstairs and can use the urinals in the school’s restrooms. And since I’ll be facing south, I can rest assured that I’m not pissing away any good fortune.

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